What is Trauma Bond?

Parita Sharma
14 hours ago
4 min read

Who Coined the Term ‘Trauma Bond’?

The term "trauma bond" was introduced by Dr. Patrick Carnes in the 1990s, originally in the context of abusive relationships. He described it as an intense emotional attachment that forms between an abuser and a victim, often due to cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement—a pattern where moments of affection and care are mixed with control, fear, and neglect.

Why the Name ‘Trauma Bond’?

Unlike healthy relationships built on mutual respect and love, a trauma bond is rooted in repeated exposure to psychological, emotional, or physical abuse.
The brain associates abuse with attachment, creating a toxic cycle where leaving feels impossible because survival instincts, fear, and emotional ties become deeply intertwined.
Victims mistake control, manipulation, and intermittent affection as love, leading them to stay, even when it harms them.

Understanding Trauma Bonds: A Case Study

Childhood:

A young girl, Riya, grew up in a household where her father was emotionally unavailable, and her mother was highly critical. She was praised only when she excelled but ignored or punished for mistakes. This unpredictable pattern conditioned her to associate love with anxiety and performance.

Adolescence:

Riya's first romantic relationship was with someone who showered her with love but also belittled her during fights. She rationalized the abuse, thinking “At least he loves me sometimes. Maybe if I try harder, I’ll be enough.”

Adulthood:

Riya married a partner who mirrored her childhood experiences—loving at times but also controlling, invalidating, and even violent. Despite the pain, she felt "chemistry" and deep attachment. Every time she tried to leave, her partner apologized, promised change, and gave her temporary happiness, strengthening the trauma bond.

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Why Do People Stay in Trauma Bonds?

Familiarity Over Happiness – The brain prefers what is familiar over what is good. Pain feels like home.
Intermittent Reinforcement – Just like a gambler waits for a win, victims wait for those fleeting moments of affection.
Cognitive Dissonance – "If I admit this is abuse, then I have to leave. But I love them. So maybe it's not abuse."
Fear of the Unknown – “What if no one else loves me? What if I regret leaving?”
Guilt and Responsibility – “I should be more patient. They had a hard childhood. I can heal them.”
Isolation – The abuser slowly isolates the victim, making leaving feel impossible.

How to Detach from a Trauma Bond?

Education – Learning about trauma bonds removes the fog and validates the pain.
Reality Testing – Ask yourself, "Would I want my child to be in a relationship like this?"
Creating a Support System – Reconnecting with friends, therapists, or support groups helps break isolation.
Developing Emotional Independence – Learning that love should not be earned through suffering.
Therapy (CBT, DBT, EMDR) – Therapy rewires the brain to differentiate love from trauma attachment.
No Contact or Grey Rock – Cutting off the abuser removes the chemical reinforcement that keeps you hooked.

The Fantasy of ‘Perfect Love’ vs. Reality

Excuses Victims Give to Stay:

“But we have a deep connection; I can’t just throw it away.”
“They weren’t always like this. I just need to bring back the old version of them.”
“Every couple fights; I need to be more patient.”
“What if I never find love again?”
“I have invested too much time. Leaving now feels like failure.”

Why Let Go?

Familiarity comes at a cost: self-worth, peace, physical and mental health.
Staying in an abusive relationship shrinks a person’s confidence, success, and happiness.
Healing feels unfamiliar at first, but it leads to true love—one that doesn’t require suffering to exist.

Trauma Bond is Like a Gambling Addiction

A trauma bond is like a slot machine in a casino.

You put in money (effort, love, sacrifices) hoping for a win (love, affection, attention).
Most of the time, you lose (abuse, manipulation, neglect).
But because you win just often enough, you stay hooked, hoping for another good moment.

The house always wins (the abuser stays in control).

Healthy love is not a gamble. It is steady, consistent, and does not require pain for affection.

Neurotransmitters in Trauma Bonds: The Brain Chemistry Behind the Trap

Dopamine (The Reward Chemical) – Every moment of kindness after abuse spikes dopamine, making you crave more.
Oxytocin (The Bonding Hormone) – Despite abuse, oxytocin creates a deep attachment to the abuser.
Cortisol (The Stress Hormone) – The anxiety from walking on eggshells keeps the body in survival mode.
Endorphins (Painkillers) – The brain numbs emotional pain, making it easier to stay.

Breaking the cycle requires detoxing from these highs and lows, just like overcoming an addiction. Pharmacology treatments may help.

Difference Between: Toxic Relationships, Trauma Bond, Love, and Healthy Relationship

Aspect	Toxic Relationship	Trauma Bond	Love	Healthy Relationship
Emotional Safety	Unstable & draining	Addictive & painful	Warm but confusing	Secure & Consistent
Attachment	Codependent	Deeply addicted	Passionate	Supportive & balanced
Conflicts	Manipulative	Cyclical abuse	Ups & downs	Respectful resolution
Identity Loss	Yes	Yes	Sometimes	No
Personal Growth	Stagnant	Decreases	Can improve	Encouraged
Compromise	Unfair, one-sided	Sacrificing self	Effort required	Mutual & fair